Do Not Disturb....Please?

Let’s discuss hotel rooms. In the beginning of the week, I was thinking how I adore hotels. I wish I could bottle up whatever smell hotel hallways have and make my bedroom smell like that all the time. It smells like a combination of freshly vacuumed carpets, hope and chlorine. Plus, staying in a hotel is like living in the mansion you never had: there’s a pool, a maid, a soft bed, no dogs crushing your legs or bladder and people who will serve you a meal at a phone call.

            However, actually staying at a hotel this past week, I remembered all too quickly why my family and I all have separate bedrooms. First of all, there must have been a yeti gene that skipped me, because someone is always setting the air conditioning to what could only be 32°. I say that because my iced green tea from Starbucks next to me isn’t frozen yet, but is perfectly cold, despite being purchased 12 hours ago. And in spite of me being the only one freezing, somehow I’m the always the closet to the air conditioner. After freezing to death for years when I was younger on our annual trips to Ocean City, I finally started to bring thick socks, a long sleeved shirt, a thick sweatshirt and pajama pants to bed but even then I was getting icicles.

            The second thing is that you learn things about your family you don’t want to know. And I’m not talking about your brother’s morning “blood circulation” problem. I mean like your mom snores like a ship coming into harbor. Your brother wakes up every few hours screaming like a Vietnam vet when he’s sick. When your dad has been drinking, he and your mom compete in the Olympics of snoring. Your other brother has to fall asleep to the T.V. turned up to just the point where the neighbors won’t complain, but so you can’t fall asleep until he shuts it off. And then there is the neurotic sister who wakes up in the middle of the night, turns on a light and starts reading or writing.

            Then, there is the fact that I’m the freak of my family and need to read before bed while everyone else is watching Adult Swim. And just saying, it is hard to read Hemingway while Robot Chicken is blasting.

            Finally, think abut the logistics of hotels. They are designed to fit the most amount of people in as little space as possible and lock them up in a small room. Where else does that happen? Prison, zoos and mental hospitals. Oh, and college dorm rooms but at least them, you get your own sheets.

            So, next time you’re on a family vacation, don’t forget your parka, the Breathe Right strips and industrial strength ear plugs. Otherwise, you will probably be reading this at 3 A.M. if you can concentrate over Family Guy.