Earlier this year, I questioned why people stay in relationships, even if the relationship is needy or abusive. Until recently, I couldn’t comprehend why people would be in a relationship that probably isn’t good for them. Now, I have discovered the answer.
First, I need to discuss one of my favorite authors, Richard Yates. Yates’ novels are unique in that they take traditional American dream, like having a job or having a family, and warps it into a dystopic reality. Then, I realized that the main goal of American society, the ultimate sign of success, is to have a spouse and a family. What is a spouse’s origin? The boyfriend/ girlfriend stage.
Whether it is by flashing an engagement ring, publishing it on Facebook, or unknowingly slipping the word “boyfriend” in every other sentence, people, particularly women, like to announce to the world that they are taken.
It doesn’t stop there. The coupled women are always trying to set up their single friends. However, what most coupleds don’t know is that there are two kinds of singles—people who are single by choice and people who are single not by choice.
Now, it isn’t like the singles by choice don’t want to have the same bragging rights as the coupled. There are just a lot of pros to being single like checking out guys at the beach, not having to share every detail of your life with someone or not having to do something someone else wants to do because of the famous compromise. This all sounds very selfish. Then again, isn’t forcing your single friends to listen to how great your boyfriend is even thought he sounds like a douche, really selfish as well?
It was that time of year on Monday. V Day. VD Day. Happy Single’s Awareness Day. Whatever you call it, there is no way in avoiding the very secular holiday of Valentine’s Day. Across my travels and observations of the last 21 years, I have discussed there are many different ways in which a person can celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are a few:
The We-Aren’t-Going-to-Get-Each-Other-Something-But-If-You-Don’t-I’ll-Be-Pissed: Long title, I know. It is long for a reason too, because you can’t capture the magic of the Valentine practice without it. You know the couple. The ones that say they are so secure about their relationship, they don’t need one day out of the year to prove their love for each other. Blah, blah, blah. Then, the 14th comes around and there is no flowers, chocolate, Hallmark card and/or giant stuffed bear and they are pissed at each other for a week until they literally kiss and make up. Trust me, it happens. My advice to you: Talk. There’s nothing more to say. Tell your significant other that you want something—even a hand written card would work. There’s no shame in telling that special someone you like the holiday.
The Flashers: Yep, this sounds dirty, but it really isn’t. I needed the term to empathize my point. Do I have your attention? Good. Flashers are those people who go out and buy/receive a dozen red roses, get that large box of Whitman’s, and get a ridiculously giant sized bear that will probably be a size nuisance in about three weeks. They are the people who show everyone that they are in a relationship. My advice: though I am happy you have found love and are enthusiastic about it, turn it down a little. Just for the rest of us. We live in this world too. Let’s share.
The Super Secret Anonymous Valentine: We’ve all seen these in movies. The girl/guy who gets flowers delivered or a loving note and wonders—who is this from? Who could have a crush on me? *Insert blush here* Even though that person knows that it is Johnny from chemistry class who has been sneaking you heart-felt glances every so often. My advice: do what you will. If you like this person, go for it. If you don’t, then don’t do anything. The choice is really up to you. Sometimes it is just easier for someone to admit their true feelings when the environment calls for it.
The Cupids: Goes along with the super secret anonymous valentine. The Cupid is the carrier of the cards, the flaunter of the flowers, the teddy bear benefactor. This is the person who surprises that special someone. My advice: Good for you. You keep the spirit of this holiday alive by showing love and risk. It may or may not pay off, but at least you tried and that is what matters most.
The Passers: These are those people who really really really hope that guy/girl will ask them out on such a romantic occasion. We’ve all had that friend with the sick fantasies about a relationship that is probably going to never happen because your friend doesn’t realize he/she has to make the first move. My advice to you: Don’t sit by. He/she does NOT have telekinesis. Use your words.
The Ba-Humbuggers: These are the people are those ones that draw the blinds, stay in their pajamas all day and curse the day the card company ever decided this was a holiday. Most likely, the Humbugger has a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or two. My advice to this people: you do have people who love you, such as friends, parents, pets, who appreciate you and love you and you should repay them back. The world will not end because you don’t have a significant other.
The “Friendly” Fiend: This is the person who gets all those Valentine joys from a multitude of gentlemen/lady callers. The person others call very “lovable” to be nice. My advice: save some men/ladies for the rest of us, please!
Do some calculations and be honest with yourself. I’m sure you will discover which one you are. I’ll let you guess which one I was this Valentine’s Day. I will give you a hint—I got flowers.
I read Jane Eyre last semester and a statement that my teacher said has been weighing on my mind lately: In the 18th century, it was better to be married than single, even if the marriage was violent. I have been thinking of this subject a lot lately, especially while watching Sex and the City, and I have come to the conclusion that you could edit that declaration into “In the 21st century, it is better to be in a relationship than single, even if the relationship is violent.”
Ok, the divorce rate now is 50% and people are waiting till their 30s or 40s to get married, which was not even thinkable in Charlotte Brontë’s time. But think about the times we live in where “in an open relationship” and “it’s complicated” are valid choices for a relationship on Facebook and in society. The term “sex buddies” or “f*ck buddies” are common terminologies for society.
With the terms “sex buddies,” “in an open relationship,” and “it’s complicated” being the norm, the definitions that go with them are pretty much self explanatory—it’s a relationship without the committed. As common as the terminology is the repercussions of a non-committed relationship: someone always gets hurt. Someone always feels a connection with the other person and thinks that if he or she stays with the other person, then there will magically be a happily ever after with a relationship. However, deep down inside, that someone knows that the non-committed relationship will end in tragedy.
The question I am presenting today is, if someone knows he or she will be hurt, then why go through it? Is a non-committed relationship really better than being single? It seems to me that people are trying to escape from being alone, even if he or she knows that the relationship can’t end well. Is being single that scary that one is willing to hurt him or herself?
Jane Eyre still applies to today. Being in sex buddies, it’s complicated or in an open relationship with seems like a luxury, but this will only end in Titanic tragedy.
